Blog, Family

“Being a Wife and Mother: Our Perspective and Mindset”

Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

I think we can all agree that most people (including myself) find it difficult to find the joy in certain aspects of their lives. For some, it’s the certain joys that come with being a wife and/or mother. We all have weak spots, and some of us have the same weaknesses, while others don’t. As a wife, I’ve personally struggled with patience and that results in a quick temper at times, because of the mindset I have had on my wifely responsibilities.

Too often, I have or hear other conversations where the comments one makes about being a mother, or being a wife are negative. It makes me wonder why I don’t hear more positive remarks when there is so much joy to be found! The topic, and question I’ve had heavily on my thoughts lately is; What is our perspective of being a wife/mother and do we have a healthy mindset about the responsibilities that come with being one or both of those things?

Some of the negative comments I hear and maybe you’ve heard before are:

Mother’s Comments:

  • “Just you wait for more kids, you’ll see how hard it is sometimes!”
  • “Just you wait, when you start having kids you’ll see how hard it is!”
  • “You’ll have days when you give up and let things slide too. That’s just how it goes with us veteran moms [who have years of experience]”
  • “I just don’t have the time and they just don’t listen; You’ll see when your kid gets older”
  • “The more kids you have, the less time you have!”

And because our two children will be a year and a half apart in age, I’ve now had other moms mention to me; 

“Oh, that’s going to be so difficult having two so close like that! It’s a struggle”

“Once the baby gets here you won’t have any time! You’ll just be chasing babies all day, you’ll see!”

Wive’s Comments: Some of these next ones have, regrettably, been my own thoughts/comments as a wife, and some of them I’ve heard from others.

  • “Why can’t you just pick up your own messes sometimes? It’s not that hard”
  • “All I do, is clean up everyone’s junk everyday, because everyone in here is too lazy.”
  • “I let my house go a long time ago, I’m too tired from taking care of all these kids to deal with it.”
  • “I made you dinner and I didn’t have to, so the least you could do is clean your mess for me.”
  • “I’m just too tired to do anything, so they’re his kids now while I get a break.”
  • “I just hate cooking! Why can’t you make your own food?”

Is this the kind of perspective we should have— let alone encourage others to have over our responsibilities as a wife/mother?

That the faults of our husbands (big or little) are and will be a burden to us, that our husbands actually owe us for being a wife to them, or for being the mother to their children. To immediately put the blame on anything/anyone else for our priorities being unorganized, or for our attitude over something. Are we forgetting we have faults of our own and that (most times) is it us who needs the attitude adjustment / perspective change first?

When we get into the habit of making motherhood/wifehood as a whole, out to be a drag, a burden, a weight on our shoulders, that it takes away from other joyful things, that it constantly drains you physically/emotionally, and we continue talking about it like that often; we should really re-evaluate our perspective, because unless I missed it somewhere, that’s definitely not what the Lord says.

Is it really worth it, to (purposely or not) point out the struggles a mother and/or wife could endure more than you point out the joys she will endure? Yes, there are certain challenging responsibilities for everyone, of course, but the gift itself of having a child, or the blessing of having a loving husband is just that; something to praise the Lord for.

The Lord is going to challenge us, this is one of the many ways we will grow and learn; by allowing Him to shape us. (read Jeremiah 18:1-6)

The habit of thinking you deserve a reward because you made a good dinner, or you deserve X Y and Z because you were doing a nice job with something is not a good habit to make, because ultimately, we don’t really deserve anything. If we first, fix our perspective to doing our work as a mom/wife to glorify the Lord, we can then evaluate where the actual issues are occurring in those places, if there are issues.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Let’s Question Our “Wife” and Our “Mother” Perspective: Do we have a healthy mindset?

1. Is your mindset on the responsibilities that come with being a wife negative?

  • Are you primarily focusing on struggles?

  i.e All the mundane inconveniences, how tired you are while doing these responsibilities, the day’s time frame not working in your favor, focusing on what you could be doing instead, and so on…

Do the all the responsibilities you have as a wife make you joyful, or are you often wishing you could be doing some other joy-fulfilling thing instead?

2. If our mindset on our wifely responsibilities is struggling, how can we fix this?

  • Read scripture; Proverbs 31, Genesis 2:18-24, Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3, and 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 are good places to start!
  • Pray for the Lord to open your eyes to the joys and blessings He has given you through being a wife, and for peace knowing it’s His will to be done, not yours. 
  • Ask your husband what he sees, what he thinks you could do better with, and ask for some ideas on how to do better. Maybe even find counsel amongst others in your church community if necessary, who will pray with you!
  • A lot of times we don’t even know how often we make comments like these, so maybe even ask your husband if, or how often he hears you say these things or anything similar.
  • Expect to put in the work, as things don’t often happen over night. Don’t just stop at praying.

3. Do we have a negative mindset when it comes to our motherly duties?

  • Are you primarily focused on struggles?

i.e All the mundane inconveniences, how tired you are while doing these responsibilities, the day’s time frame not working in your favor, focusing on what you could be doing instead, and so on…

Do the all responsibilities you have as a mother make you joyful, or are you often wishing you could be doing some other joy-fulfilling thing instead?

4. How can we fix this? It’s quite the same as before really:

  • Read scripture; Proverbs 31, Psalm 139:13-16, Psalm 127:1-5, Titus 2:3-8, Proverbs 14:1-2, Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 6:4-7, are good places to start!
  • Pray for the Lord to open your eyes to the joys and blessings He has given you through being a mother, and for peace knowing it’s His will to be done, not yours.
  • Ask your husband what he sees, and what he thinks you could do better with. If you can, ask your kid(s) if, or how often they hear you say these things or similar things, just in case it is done more subconsciously than you think. You could also again, find counsel amongst people in your church community, if necessary, who will pray with you!

Even if we’ve read the scriptures before, and feel like we’ve got a Godly perspective on being a wife/mother, we can still have an unhealthy view of our day-to-day responsibilities that come with being one; unless we keep ourselves in check with that and start truly taking in what scripture says, and not just skim over the top of it.

If you’re struggling with something as a mother or as a wife, I highly encourage you to seek your help from the Lord; rely on Him, communicate with your husband, and find counsel amongst your church community, if necessary. However– and I will be blunt– do not use a struggle you have as a reason to go complain and make jokes, because you’re seeking people’s attention and for them to validate/affirm your feelings on the matter.

I encourage you to refresh your memory on what the Lord says about wives and mothers, and reset your mindset. Especially, if you find you have often said similar things as mentioned above or created a habit to think along these lines!

Then take a look at all the issues and struggles you have. Are they all still there? Are you still getting irritated with your loved ones often, and are you still playing the blame game? The running theme for moms and wives I’ve heard for forever it seems, is “The wife is always right.” Then on the flip side, “The mom is always burnt out.”

Guess what, we will never always be right. No one is right 100% of the time, so throw that theme away, right now. Also, if you find that you’re always a “burnt out mom” is it actually because of the responsibilities of motherhood (or wifehood) draining you and putting weight on your shoulders, or is it because of your mindset and how you view those responsibilities that’s burning you out and weighing you down? Have you been trying to take things on without relying on the Lord? Where do your priorities lie, and what are you allowing to use up your time?

I disagree with the common assumption that kids = less time. We have the same amount of time with or without children; It’s what you’re doing with your time, and where you’re setting your priorities. If you’re struggling with getting priorities in the right places; read scripture, pray, and discuss how to prioritize your family with your husband!

Priorities being in order and a perspective change goes a long way if you’re burnt out 24/7 and unable to find joy in where the Lord has brought you– this is a great place to start when you find you are struggling and having issues in some places of your life.

1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

In scripture and what the Lord says, is where we can find the best encouragement and peace in our times of struggle, but I encourage you to look into more. Don’t stop with what I’ve added to this post! and if you’ve said these things or even feel guilty/defensive after reading this because you’ve been in some of these habits; I just encourage you to pray, repent, forgive, move on.

Blog, Family

“Part 2: Young Wife.”

You Read it Right:

If you read anything on the About page or even on my Introduction post, you probably thought, “did she really say she got married after 5 months?” or you did the math really quick and calculated that I was just 18 years old when I got married. If that’s what you did, then yes it was only 5 months, and yes, I was 18. 

Actually, both of our parents got married young, (and are still married 20+ years later) and my parents got engaged within a month or so of knowing each other. I guess you could say because of that, we never found it odd to do something along those lines. I was never really encouraged to go find a husband at 18 years old and leave as soon as I could, but I was encouraged to find a man of God to marry, who I could commit to live a life with. My husband was also, always encouraged similarly.

Ironically, we moved just 10 minutes away from him in April 2015. I crossed over the same friend groups and places plenty of times, but never heard of him until May 2019, when a friend of ours said she knew a good guy named Bergen, who I might like. By the way, I was definitely not looking for a guy at this time, but for some reason I decided it couldn’t harm anything to meet him, and just see what happened. Pretty simple story really, got set up by our friend, met at her bonfire, went on a date, and now we’re here! and all because of the Lord!

Becoming a Wife:

To me, being a wife is staying home to take care of the household and to “nurture the home.” While that is not always seen as a good thing, and is often looked down upon to do (and to think). An already difficult path to take in this society becomes harder when doing it at say, 18 years old. This society, makes it look like a rougher path. It discourages being a wife, and starting a family young because we are supposed to go date around, go be free from the chains of a husband and child(ren). Surprisingly, even in the Christian community, you don’t hear about how we should use our singleness to prepare for marriage and a family while being young that often anymore. We [as women] are supposed to be dependent on only ourselves, not a man, and should not have children, at least not until we are completely fulfilled with our careers first. Says, the world.

This one is next on my list of “books to read.”

Although, not everyone is like this, and not every Christian either. There are wives who are mothers and have careers, who are mothers who work from home, and mothers who are also just full time stay-at-home too! Every family is different. Biblically, it’s a woman’s strong-suit to nurture, be the caretaker and obviously, have the children. Where as a man’s strong suit, is providing, protecting, and working hard for his family. It’s beautiful, to think each one is sacrificing for the other, while following the Lord together. 

As a woman, never settle for a man who isn’t Godly. A woman needs a man who will lead her towards the Lord, not away from Him. A good sign that he is, would be if he is comfortable and willing to openly talk about the Lord in your free-time. Use this season of singleness as an opportunity to search for a willing and open guy that you can have those conversations with! If you’re ignoring a red flag, getting married won’t change someone’s mind on any said topic, (for example, like the number of kids to have). Luckily, red flags don’t always mean a done deal! I just encourage you to talk through those red flags, and make any compromises before marriage, so it doesn’t cause a rocky foundation to start with. One of the for sure signs that my husband was the one was, he immediately asked about my views, and wanted to talk about the Lord, and face to face, not over a text or anything. The important part is, he initiated those conversations at first, and he put in that work for our relationship to grow! I will note, that is not an excuse for the woman to be lazy, we absolutely need to work for it too!

Going forward down this path and becoming a young wife, I was confident about my decision, but not everyone around me was. Even in friend groups of other Christians, it was hard because it’s still not the normal thing to do. When you become a wife, to stay home when you don’t have kids yet is “weird.” We knew having a baby was in the very near future, so there was no point for me to get a job, when I would leave it to stay home with our baby anyways. We knew we stood firm in our decision, so we didn’t care too much what people said about it.

A Big Decision:

It is a commitment, a big decision, it is something that takes communication, prayer, and much thought, but is worth it all the same. I hear a lot that it’s [marriage] a “ball and chain, so you’ll regret it” which may be so when it isn’t done for the right reasons, but when you do it the right way, for the right reasons, its really the opposite. You should feel confident about your decision, you both should! Which is why I think it’s great to start preparing for that future now, while young. Why wait to get married and start your family? If you have found a great “potential husband” (or potential wife, if you’re a man that’s reading) for you, is there a reason?

Being a Wife:

I feel so much joy in the fact that I am caring for my husband and our household. It’s an important job that no one should take lightly. If you are thinking the same, I just want to let you know, society will get over it, the group of friends will let it go eventually, and if you both know you are following the Lord, then what’s it matter if it flusters a few people? If it’s also family you’re flustering, I know how hard it can be, but if it’s the Lord’s plan, then they too will be okay, in time. If you are on the opposite side of things and think we and others are crazy, thats okay too! I understand not everyone thinks this way. Like I was saying previously, even among an all Christian group, it wasn’t fully accepted. Everyone is different, this is just the perspective of one, young wife.