Blog, Family

“Part 2: Young Wife.”

You Read it Right:

If you read anything on the About page or even on my Introduction post, you probably thought, “did she really say she got married after 5 months?” or you did the math really quick and calculated that I was just 18 years old when I got married. If that’s what you did, then yes it was only 5 months, and yes, I was 18. 

Actually, both of our parents got married young, (and are still married 20+ years later) and my parents got engaged within a month or so of knowing each other. I guess you could say because of that, we never found it odd to do something along those lines. I was never really encouraged to go find a husband at 18 years old and leave as soon as I could, but I was encouraged to find a man of God to marry, who I could commit to live a life with. My husband was also, always encouraged similarly.

Ironically, we moved just 10 minutes away from him in April 2015. I crossed over the same friend groups and places plenty of times, but never heard of him until May 2019, when a friend of ours said she knew a good guy named Bergen, who I might like. By the way, I was definitely not looking for a guy at this time, but for some reason I decided it couldn’t harm anything to meet him, and just see what happened. Pretty simple story really, got set up by our friend, met at her bonfire, went on a date, and now we’re here! and all because of the Lord!

Becoming a Wife:

To me, being a wife is staying home to take care of the household and to “nurture the home.” While that is not always seen as a good thing, and is often looked down upon to do (and to think). An already difficult path to take in this society becomes harder when doing it at say, 18 years old. This society, makes it look like a rougher path. It discourages being a wife, and starting a family young because we are supposed to go date around, go be free from the chains of a husband and child(ren). Surprisingly, even in the Christian community, you don’t hear about how we should use our singleness to prepare for marriage and a family while being young that often anymore. We [as women] are supposed to be dependent on only ourselves, not a man, and should not have children, at least not until we are completely fulfilled with our careers first. Says, the world.

This one is next on my list of “books to read.”

Although, not everyone is like this, and not every Christian either. There are wives who are mothers and have careers, who are mothers who work from home, and mothers who are also just full time stay-at-home too! Every family is different. Biblically, it’s a woman’s strong-suit to nurture, be the caretaker and obviously, have the children. Where as a man’s strong suit, is providing, protecting, and working hard for his family. It’s beautiful, to think each one is sacrificing for the other, while following the Lord together. 

As a woman, never settle for a man who isn’t Godly. A woman needs a man who will lead her towards the Lord, not away from Him. A good sign that he is, would be if he is comfortable and willing to openly talk about the Lord in your free-time. Use this season of singleness as an opportunity to search for a willing and open guy that you can have those conversations with! If you’re ignoring a red flag, getting married won’t change someone’s mind on any said topic, (for example, like the number of kids to have). Luckily, red flags don’t always mean a done deal! I just encourage you to talk through those red flags, and make any compromises before marriage, so it doesn’t cause a rocky foundation to start with. One of the for sure signs that my husband was the one was, he immediately asked about my views, and wanted to talk about the Lord, and face to face, not over a text or anything. The important part is, he initiated those conversations at first, and he put in that work for our relationship to grow! I will note, that is not an excuse for the woman to be lazy, we absolutely need to work for it too!

Going forward down this path and becoming a young wife, I was confident about my decision, but not everyone around me was. Even in friend groups of other Christians, it was hard because it’s still not the normal thing to do. When you become a wife, to stay home when you don’t have kids yet is “weird.” We knew having a baby was in the very near future, so there was no point for me to get a job, when I would leave it to stay home with our baby anyways. We knew we stood firm in our decision, so we didn’t care too much what people said about it.

A Big Decision:

It is a commitment, a big decision, it is something that takes communication, prayer, and much thought, but is worth it all the same. I hear a lot that it’s [marriage] a “ball and chain, so you’ll regret it” which may be so when it isn’t done for the right reasons, but when you do it the right way, for the right reasons, its really the opposite. You should feel confident about your decision, you both should! Which is why I think it’s great to start preparing for that future now, while young. Why wait to get married and start your family? If you have found a great “potential husband” (or potential wife, if you’re a man that’s reading) for you, is there a reason?

Being a Wife:

I feel so much joy in the fact that I am caring for my husband and our household. It’s an important job that no one should take lightly. If you are thinking the same, I just want to let you know, society will get over it, the group of friends will let it go eventually, and if you both know you are following the Lord, then what’s it matter if it flusters a few people? If it’s also family you’re flustering, I know how hard it can be, but if it’s the Lord’s plan, then they too will be okay, in time. If you are on the opposite side of things and think we and others are crazy, thats okay too! I understand not everyone thinks this way. Like I was saying previously, even among an all Christian group, it wasn’t fully accepted. Everyone is different, this is just the perspective of one, young wife.

Blog, Family

“Part 1: Young Marriage.”

Why Wait?

Fast forward to the engagement, which was only 6-7 weeks after meeting My (future) husband Bergen. Obviously, I said yes. We had talked about everything important, we knew what our beliefs were, and what we wanted from the other. We were on the same page with everything. I mean, truly, what was the point in waiting to get married?  We didn’t see any point to it, so we got engaged and set the wedding date for 3 months later! (I wanted an outdoor wedding, but it still most likely wouldn’t have been that much longer, had I wanted different). We had a small wedding in late summer/early fall, and it was the best time. We had tons of support, we both have big families, with lots of siblings, and so we were definitely encouraged throughout that whole time, which was a huge blessing. However, because we were so young and so quick to our decision we had also been discouraged as well.

From a christian’s perspective, biblically, I think it’s perfectly fine to encourage getting married young, so long as you both have the Lord as your foundation and understand the commitment. I think because of all the bad experiences, and bad advice out there, there is a lot of fear about getting married young. Marriage and family is encouraged all throughout the Bible, it’s something the Lord loves! If you are one of the people who got married when you were older, or haven’t found a good guy (or girl) yet, thats okay too. It’s not the same timing for everyone. Unfortunately, we ended up with a handful of friends and a few of our relatives who were negative towards us and our decision. A lot of the relationships we had changed, or just ended up drifting away.

What People Said to Us, and Say to Others:

“You really should get in a few big fights, before you get married.”

“You should really go date around more first, and have some fun!” 

“You should go experience life more, and be young. I’d hate to see you give that up for a life of marriage and making a family.”

“Are you old enough for that?”

“That quick?”

There were also silent commenters, who just made faces of disagreement and shock. Some of these were said to us by our close relatives, and some from friends. Some of them really did try to talk us out of it. We also had a bad marriage counselor at first too, who seemed to have had a negative view on marriage, entirely. At the end of the day, we knew we loved each other, we trusted the Lord and were fully committed. We didn’t let it affect us too much, but it was a discouragement all the same. 

If you are in this same place in life, just know unfortunately, not everyone understands, and just try to stick with the people who do, and are encouraging you. If you know someone who is trying to get married young and you are unsure of their decision, I would say just encourage them to stay close to the Lord, pray about it more, and to talk things over with their future spouse. Let them know what you feel that is off. I would have loved that from the relatives and friends who didn’t agree with us, instead of discouraging the entire thing altogether, even with good intentions!

a fun devotional to do with your significant other!

As For Friends :

We are only 2 years into our marriage, but I still am very confident about my decision, as is my husband. Over these last couple years since meeting him, we’ve both drifted from friends and found that our big groups, have become fairly small since, and not all of it was because it ended badly! More often than not, we change seasons in our lives at different times, so people we meet come and go and thats okay. 

Getting married, Is a big life change, and doing so while young right now in this day and age, is not really seen as the normal thing to do. I think its because it is hard to find people who actually commit to things fully. Going out with a group of friends who are single and/or dating or starting their career jobs, while you’re married is hard to do at times, because it gets trickier to relate to them now— I say this because I believe the wife should stay at home and take care of the home (although, every family is different!).

  So while that doesn’t mean it does not work (because it still could), it’s just harder to relate to the most popular conversation topics. Especially if you’re focused on starting a family soon and they are not! Priorities change, and thats okay. Overall, if you’re in the same boat or know someone who is, just put trust in the Lord. It’s a new season. Getting married young is not a bad decision, and it shouldn’t be a regretful one. You just have to keep your relationship close to the Lord. And lastly, if you’re having a hard time letting things or people go, remember that new things are coming, and you have to make some room!